Just when you thought you had time to recover from all the insanity of last week, it’s time for another episode. And somehow this one was even more batshit insane than last weeks.
We begin with Archie’s first day in the slammer. Jughead explains he has the “who will I sit with at lunch” blues. The Serpents are all “you can’t sit with us” because Archie isn’t down to shiv a random Ghoolie. But that turns out to be the least of Archie’s problems because Archie’s stint in the big house is brought to you by what is arguably one of the best of Riverdale’s quirks. I am of course talking about the screamingly obvious, weirdly placed, and utterly bizarre imitation of super famous movies. Remember how Betty’s dad was charged, but not yet convicted of being a serial killer and he was put in a specialised see through cell with talking holes because Silence of the Lambs? Or when the Hiram was doing organised crime with two dudes who were not in any way Italian but for some reason decided it had to be done over pasta because, any mafia movie. Well this time this show has the absolute balls to take on the Shawshank Redemption. The Warden is quite literally a look alike right down to the questionable accent. We even get a shot of the needlework quote on the wall, which for some reason is a Shakespeare quote instead of a Bible quote. This is something I’d kill to know the reason behind. Is the Bible too complicated? Too controversial? Who knows but if it turns our there’s some big secret hidden behind that needlework you all have to drink. Or maybe I’ll drink. Anyhow the jist of Archie’s arch this week is that the Warden is in Hiram’s pocket and Archie has been ‘tapped’ by the Warden which is bad because the last dude to get tapped got the old Tommy treatment off screen.
Veronica is trying to do her best for old Archiekins. First she tries to take on the role of interim class president, but is beaten to the punch by Cheryl. They come to an agreement that Cheryl can keep the role of president providing that Veronica can use the Vixens to deliver one of the most ridiculous scenes that has ever been put to screen. Now here I have to admit some fault. Because last week when I discussed all the genres that Riverdale delivers I forgot to mention that it is every so often a musical. This is one of those times. The cheerleaders came to sing Jailhouse Rock directly outside the prison gates because apparently they’re open to the public? After that display Veronica does the unthinkable and actually does something a real person would do in her situation and contacts the Innocence Project. (I’m sure they’re portrayal of it will be utterly ridiculous full of people too young and hot to be lawyers doing stuff that would get them all instantly disbarred but for now this is a win).
The episode also delivers us a much needed dose of Kevin. We learnt last week that Kevin and Moose have been “hanging out” all summer. But now Moose is being a total douche and is blowing Kevin off (not in the fun way) and avoiding being seen with him in public. All of this being pushed around causes Kevin to point blank ask Moose “Are you ashamed of me?” Hell yeah Kevin! Confront that motherfucker head on. This is gonna be Kevin’s year of realising his worth. No more fuckboys for Kevin 2k18. This bold move is then followed up by the badass move of…joining his club to force Moose into spending time with him. Oh well. Maybe next year buddy.
And now of course, the latest brand of batshit courtesy of the show. It’s time to talk dark magic. We find out that the doctors think Betty had a stress induced seizure and her family briefly convinces her that the baby burning she saw was all a hallucination. Now Betty having stress induced anything would make perfect sense because she is this shows Sun Bak (This term refers to the character Sun Bak rom Sense8 who has the most stressful life of anyone in the show and yet somehow has time to solve everyone else’s problems while they return the favour by brining her more problems). But as it turns out the weird shit she saw defiantly happened since the cult leaders daughter now attends Riverdale High and admits that she was there burning something.
As for the two bodies in the woods, it turns out that only one of them was a body and that body belonged to that nutter scout leader who was giving minors guns back in the days when we were looking for Jason’s killer. It appears that the two drank some kind of poison as part of an evil Dungeons and Dragons game (they give it another dumb name but it’s Dungeons and Dragons). The other guy is in a comma and then he isn’t and ten he jumps out of a window to be with Dylan (the gun nut) and honestly I’m brushing over this because it’s not as important as what’s next.
It’s time for a meeting of the sexy parents! Because apparently every named character who has produced offspring on this show (aside from Molly Ringwald who is perfect in every way) was somehow involved in the blue poison back in the day. Ans they were involved to such an extent that it has come back to haunt their children. And you know what that means, we’re gonna get some flashbacks up in here.
Oh and there’s also a legit demon that Betty and Jughead found in the woods. It will probably turn out to be the a The Village style twist but for now we have demons.
That Blog Thing I do 